Answer: Self-worth and Trust

As survivors of unhealthy or abusive relationships, the most significant obstacle we face is our mindset and learning how to like who we are again, or for the first time!
Have you ever heard of “Stockholm Syndrome”?

Stockholm Syndrome is defined as "feelings of trust or affection felt in many cases of kidnapping or hostage-taking by a victim towards a captor". Definitions from Oxford Languages
I would like to add to that definition. I suggest "Stockholm Syndrome" applies to people who have experienced domestic and family violence.

1. GROW MORE SELF LOVE

The biggest obstacle facing victims is CHOOSING themselves again – enough to let go of their perpetrator. To see the door open and have the courage to run. Then once free, stay free.

I can hear you thinking;

• How do we do that?
• How do we stay free?
• How do we pluck up enough courage to take the opportunity to leave when it presents itself?
  Let me tell you; it’s challenging!
  For a person who has not experienced an abusive relationship, it can be confusing to watch their loved one stay with a person or love a person who continues to hurt someone else. It isn't obvious!
  LOL, you think it’s confusing for you! It’s way more confusing for the person in the relationship!
  

2. AND MORE SELF CONFIDENCE

The thing for many survivors that keeps us in the relationship or going back is fear with a mixture of weird passionate love.
The highs are so incredibly high. Still, the lows are intensely low – way lower than any high they can give you. I can see that clearly; however, when deep in the high, you feel like nothing could be better than this!

However, there are many things better than the pitiful "high" of so-called love they shower on you for a quick minute – until they know they have you square in the palm of their hand.
Then bam! The mood changes or they might snap a little – warning you, "be-careful little girl, the wolf is coming back!" So, you alter your behaviour, and you feel yourself sinking back into yourself.

Without realising your shift in behaviour, alerts your perpetrator. You begin to remain quieter than usual or cater to the beast more. Hoping to placate the person you know can rip your heart out with one swipe.

Maybe you're a little harder on your kids to keep them in line to not upset your beast's changing energy. "Oh no, it wasn't real", you hear yourself thinking as your hope and heart start sinking. "He promised that was the last time; what am I going to do?" "Where would I go?" "Who would take me in if I had to escape right now?" So many racing thoughts, so much stress and adrenalin, you can't help but be incredibly nervous and make mistakes. Mistakes, according to him.

3. YOU GOT THIS!

Things have gotten so bad between you that he is like a timebomb within days. You have no idea when he will explode now—no amount of placating help. You are scared, hurt, and angry that the cycle has started over, and you know something terrible will happen. You can't express your feelings, and you better not let him see you feeling anything but happy.

Because you know the minute he finds out that you're not delighted… Shit will hit the fan or your face! Often, the cycles are so short – there's no time to think past what's happening right now.
Fight or Flight?

Who has the mental capacity to plan a way out of this volatile situation?

Listen, please remember that relationships rarely start abusive, right?

No one in their right mind would choose to love a person who showed them anger and violence from day dot.

No, these people take you on a blissful journey first. The best action you can do to avoid this toxic love is to fall in love with yourself first. Back yourself, believe in yourself and your decisions. Because there are too many brilliant and unique women saying things like, "does that make sense?" "Am I making sense?" YAAAAEEESSSSS, GIRL, you do every single time. Don't allow a more confident human being to destroy who you are.

You are worth it! You are enough just as you are <3