AMY-LEE FARR - FOUNDER MBAU
The Domestic Violence Prevention Episode you can't afford to ignore. Plus, Tips For Recovering Survivor.
Welcome to It Stops With Me, the show that is not afraid to talk about the challenging topics relating to Domestic Violence. Your host, Amy-Lee Farr, will answer some of your listener questions.
We will discuss why an abuser is an abuser and how to change them, spoiler alert (you can't).
We love our listeners; plus, we have a special gift at the end for all of you; be sure to listen all the way through for the details.
[Free Love yourself meditation exclusively for It Stops With Me Listeners, to help embed this episodes tips and advice.]
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The simple answer that I’m sure you already know is to Leave the relationship. If you are living with this person please go back and listen to our first episode and follow that list of things to do to prepare to leave.
The reason my advice is for you to leave this relationship is that - number one - you began with “My boyfriend treats me badly.” If he treats you badly that is one reason to leave, you do not deserve to be treated badly.
Secondly, you said he hits you and forces you to do things, if I am reading between the lines correctly You are being sexually abused. Possibly even raped.
You also said he has rules and you follow them and yet he still abuses you. He’s telling you that he was better to his other girlfriends than he is to you.
This is narcissistic mental abuse. I guarantee you if you sat down and had a drink with these other girlfriends they would tell you a very similar story that you are telling me.
Please do yourself a favour, ask yourself why you feel that you are accepting this? Why is this ok with you?
Why do you feel you don’t deserve a person who will actively love you each day? What is it about yourself that you don’t like?
Is there somewhere in your past that you can pinpoint when you decided or agreed with someone that you aren’t enough and don’t deserve to be loved 150% every single day by your partner?
Let me tell you a little story about how this played out for me. I was 24. Mother of 3 boys.
Met and had a whirlwind style romance with a guy I didn’t even particularly like in the first instance. My instinct was to run and hide after our first date.
However having ADHD and other co-existing conditions that I was unaware of, I compulsively said yes when he asked me out again and so it began.
Over the next 4 years, I came close to death by his hand at least 8 times. Using anything from his fists, hands strangling to guns. He said all of the things - he did all of the things - he made it seem like I was the problem, even though I followed his rules, gave him all the freedoms and did everything he told me to.
All that happened was the violence, the rapes, the cheating, the beatings, the danger just got worse until finally, I was in emergency with 4 broken ribs, scaped up legs and a busted nose.
That a very gentle and kind social worker in a wheelchair told me the story about the last woman he tried to help.
She came in with a beat-up face and a broken arm. Partner had decided she wasn’t good at making dinner anymore.
He had a talk with her like he was with me trying to convince her to walk away and live her life and he would do his best to help her escape through DV connect and other services.
Unfortunately, the woman went home once she could, he then said not more than a week later she was back, only this time she was being wheeled in on a stretcher and was pronounced dead on arrival. He had beat her to death with a bat.
He told me that story with such sadness and conviction it struck me to my core. I could fully imagine that woman to be me. The thought of that scared me so much, and enough that as soon as it was safe enough, I ran away to Sydney to escape him.
It’s been 17 years since - I know for sure if I did not leave - I would not be breathing today.
I know it’s hard, I know it’s scary to think about not having that person around, the familiarity of the relationship and the comfort of the chaos.
Knowing that you can control some of it if you are with him, and leaving means you won’t and that’s scary, but also you might be thinking he’ll find another persona and he will be better with them, and it’s only you.
That is NOT true, You are not the issue. Being in that relationship with a narcissistic, violently abusive person is the issue. Not valuing yourself is part of the reason you stay.
You are valuable, you are not why he behaves this way. He behaves this way because he is a coward, he is damaged and he has never sort help for himself so he scapegoats and abuses every woman he’s with.
I guarantee you he has issues with his mother or a woman has done something to him as a child and he is now this way. But that’s not your problem to solve. You aren’t here to fix him or save him. Your job here on earth is to LIVE, and LOVE and be happy and explore and be curious and just BE - I can talk till I’m blue in the face about this, however, I will say this.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
This person will not change. It is very rare for someone to change, think about how hard it is or you to change a behaviour, and now think about how hard it would be for them to change this, and now that is sitting with you for a minute, start packing a bag.
If there’s one new habit, consider adopting, then meditation will serve your journey well.
Meditation is simply practised focus and concentration.
Here, you will put yourself in a quiet environment and then focus on clearing your mind of distracting and unwanted thoughts and you will gradually become better at focusing and remaining calm.
This is an incredibly powerful skill because it gives you the ability to rise above stress and panic and to remain calm no matter what is going on around you.
This can make you a happier individual, as you’ll be less bothered by hard days at work or large deadlines but it can also make you more effective as you gain greater control over your emotional response, more emotional stability and the ability to concentrate more effectively on given tasks.
And did you know that meditation physically changes the structure of the brain?
It has been demonstrated to increase ‘cortical thickness, which means that there is more grey matter and a greater density of neural connections.
Studies also show that meditation can improve concentration, focus, emotional stability and even IQ.
In other words, meditating makes you a more focused and even more intelligent individual.
This can be a difficult habit to get into, especially if you are someone who is unfamiliar with how meditation works, or perhaps who has never considered it in the past.
The simplest form of mediation is mindfulness meditation. Here, you simply sit somewhere quietly and ‘watch’ your thoughts go by.
The idea is to allow them to pass by like clouds without engaging in them or worrying about their content.
Don’t punish yourself for letting your mind wander, just make a note of the thought and then dismiss it.
Not only does this teach you to rise above your thoughts and be less concerned by them but it also helps you to gain a greater understanding of the contents of your own mind so that you can predict your own reactions to future scenarios.
If you struggle to find the time necessary to commit, then try meditating for just 7 minutes a day.
This amount of time is short enough that you should be able to slip it in without too much difficulty but it will be enough to start causing significant changes to the way your brain works.
Let’s do a 3-minute meditation to embed what you have learned today.
Loving Self-Meditation
As you bring acceptance and loving-kindness to yourself, you may uncover the deeper belief that you do not deserve to be happy, that you do not believe you are good enough—a sort of built-in self-destruction clause. As Oprah says: "What you believe has more power than what you dream or wish or hope for. You become what you believe." So you invite kindness into that self-negation and lack of self-esteem until such uncertainty dissolves in love.
Loving Self-Meditation
Find a comfortable and upright place to sit. Take a few deep breaths, and watch the flow of your breath as it enters and leaves.
Bring your focus to your heart, and as you breathe in, feel as if your heart is opening and softening; as you breathe out, release any tension or resistance.
Now bring into your heart either an image of yourself or repeat your name, and hold yourself in your heart, tenderly and gently.
Silently repeat, "May I be freed from self-doubt, may I be happy, may all things go well for me."
Keep breathing into your heart, holding yourself with love and repeating the words. This will generate a deep, loving-kindness and appreciation for yourself.
When you are ready, take a deep breath and let it go. Then go about your day with a caring heart and a smile on your lips.
A lot of our emotional and psychological flaws really boils down to how we interpret the world. These interpretation issues come out of habit. Changing the mental habits that keep you locked in a mindset of self-doubt or self-loathing is the key to changing your life. Growing as a person and never becoming a victim of abuse again.
Suppose you loved this episode and wanted to get more information about finding the joy of imperfection in you + the world around you. In that case, I have a special gift for you to grab. Head to my website missionbeautiful.org/episode3 and check out the links to download my Free Imperfect Pack.
In the Pack, you’ll find a:
All the links from the show are there with our show notes.
Check out ALL the info from todays’ show at www.missionbeautifulaustralia.org/episode4.
Next week, we'll continue to help you understand domestic violence; the topic is post-separation abuse. Helping you to understand how DV doesn’t always start or stop once you have left the relationship! Be sure to catch that episode; it’s going to be a doozie!
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So there you have it… We hope these 3 Simple Ways To Embrace Your Imperfections were consumable, and you can take prompt action as you embark on creating your best life because you are enough! We promised you a Special free gift and we always like to deliver what we promise!
In this Pack, you’ll find a:
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Amy-Lee Farr is the founder of It Stops With Me. When she’s not serving her clients, she geeks out on photography, mindfulness, and challenging her friends to top her awesome karaoke skills. (What skills? lol) She calls Queensland, Australia home.
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