3 Easy Ways To Trusting Yourself Again After DV

Ever felt like the only one in the room that doesn't know how to trust themselves enough to make a confident decision? 
DV left you with that invisible scare of complete and utter lack of the ability to trust yourself in anything you do anymore? Then press play because, in our second episode, It Stops With Me!, we will teach you the 3easy ways to trusting yourself again after domestic violence and take you on a journey of self-discovery and self-love. This might just be the podcast episode you have been waiting for.

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1. WHY SELF-CONFIDENCE WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE

Have you ever been in a situation where you really wanted to talk to a person? However, you just couldn’t bring yourself to, and then the opportunity is missed. I’m sure you can relate to that in a work or intimate relationship. You wonder why you couldn’t say anything, and you hear that little voice say, it’s all about confidence! You would be 100% correct. You are probably thinking quotes like ‘Just be Yourself” is just bumper sticker advice or a lie we tell ourselves to feel better, right?

No way! Being confident within yourself is where it’s at 150%. You know those guys who are not overly good looking, they don’t work out etc. or have much money, but low and behold, they attract loads of people. How? Why? Because - they’re fun, outgoing, funny, confident.

Confidence is why bad boys are notorious for being extremely attractive. Bad boys or girls don’t give a damn what anyone is thinking about them or what they are doing; in fact, they hope people are watching and enjoying the show.

People perceive these people to be highly confident, maybe even alpha type behaviour. It has nothing to do with how you look, more on how you present. Any person can blow their competition out of the water with some confidence, and it beats talent every time  - long term.  

There is a caveat: if you lack social skills, it will be challenging to build confidence first; I would recommend going back to some basics there. That is something else you can work on (and you'll learn here). Otherwise, it's all about confidence. The same goes for your career, and the same goes for how you fit in with your friends.

We all know people who are supremely confident and highly successful. 

We find ourselves wanting to be like those people.

And the reason for this is that confidence signals to our brain that we are somehow higher in the hierarchy of life than others. 

We do our best to date people we believe are, possibly, 'out of our league'. Because it makes us feel good about ourselves, and from a biological perspective, it is the best way to ensure our DNA thrives. A confident person tells us they are an evolutionary catch. It’s like we are drawn to them. And people without any self-confidence tend to be mistreated or taken advantage of, such as in many DV relationships.

It sounds harsh, but unfortunately, this is just human nature—the animal brain.

2. So How Do We Boost Our Confidence?

Three words - Internally and Externally - one is maybe more straightforward to achieve than the other so let’s start with the External option first.

I’d like to ask you to think about what confidence looks like to you? Who in your life can you recognise as confident and booming? It doesn’t need to be Oprah or some celebrity. I recommend looking around at the people you know or work with. How do they hold themselves? How do they dress? How do they speak? When do they speak? For example, most of us feel that more attractive and more intelligent people are more successful. (myth)

This is a reasonably straightforward way to boost your self-confidence: Think about a bit of a make-over. Get that new haircut or style, swap out your wardrobe over a few months, start acquiring pieces that suit an updated version of you. It might sound a bit cheesy, but a change like that is as good as a holiday at the correct times. Be bold, wear that colour you know looks fantastic on you but you are afraid to wear it, WEAR IT! Or Bright red lipstick instead of a nude brown. Or a pair of our MBAU Bright pink socks to the office. The most important part, though, is to always be yourself and follow what makes you feel good externally. Just get out of your comfort zone a bit.

And perhaps surprise people's expectations. Likewise, take some time to invest in yourself when it comes to your clothes and your grooming. Spend a little more money on better quality clothes, take the time to do your hair and moisturise. Turning up with self-value lets others know that you think you're 'worth it .’ This sends a powerful message.

And if all of this is beyond you, consider hiring a stylist! There are people out there who do this for a living and who can help you feel amazing. Or think a makeup course, grooming lessons - look, youtube is the place to find all of that free and easy to find, simply search styling tips, clothes styling tips for (insert your gender) etc...

Now enjoy those heads turn when you walk into the office and work that look you have.
Then we have intrinsic confidence. This latter example of confidence-building works because it creates a 'virtuous cycle'. In other words, one good thing is going to lead to another. You'll dress more confidently, and that will make other people treat you differently. In turn, this will make you feel more confident, and you will start to become more confident. But if you want to upgrade your confidence truly, you need to do more work on that internal feeling of contentment.

The way we get that feeling is through unlearning, a fundamental lesson we are taught as children. We have to unlearn caring about what others are thinking about us. This is how we start to trust ourselves again. We stop worrying about pleasing people and focus more on how we need to meet our own happiness.

The most confident person in the room is the person who spreads themselves out in a way that isn't done to make them 'look more impressive' but to make them feel comfortable regardless of what others think. The awe-inspiring person is the person who isn't afraid of upsetting someone with what they say. They aren't about to agree with the consensus just so that they can feel part of the crowd or accepted. A confident person speaks their mind – while, of course, still being gracious and respectful to others.

So what’s the answer - how do we get to this stage of the confidence game?
Getting honest with yourself and knowing what’s important to you. How well do you actually know yourself? Have you reflected recently or ever about your goals or what you want to achieve? Have you put any thought into your purpose, or has life just swamped your dreams, and you are just day to daying it? Knowing yourself and judging yourself by your standards will make you immune to the judgements of others and will help you strengthen your resolve and determination. Are people teasing you for being short?

What does it matter when your goal is to become a great writer? Not sure if a group of people like you? What does it matter when you know who your true friends are? By default, you become more interesting and engaging. Your confidence will shine through in the way you speak and carry yourself, friends will want to spend more time with you, best of all, once you are on the inner ‘work’ journey - let’s just say those bad boys/slash girls will now be attracted to you however you will no longer be attracted to them... it’s an incredible life-changing experience. And this is the route of supreme, bulletproof confidence

3. Let’s talk about training your confidence

Like most things, Confidence can be learned, and you can practice it. In fact, I would recommend practising a ton before trying it out in the real world. And this works just like training for anything else: based on the SAID principle.

SAID stands for 'Specific Adaptations to Imposed Demands'. In other words, we become better at doing whatever it is that we often do. Suppose you want to be more confident and stop worrying about what others think. In that case, you need to subject yourself to things that you would typically find daunting and continually reinforce your good feelings about doing it.

Speaking in public, for example: If you shy away from hosting meetings at work or family meetings at home about chores, etc., this is the perfect place to practice pushing yourself to speak in front of people. Messing up in front of the people who care about you isn’t going to feel quite as crappy. Practice starting conversations with people, constantly reminding yourself it doesn’t matter what happens. This is just practising. You’re developing yourself into the updated, confident version of yourself.

Meditation and CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) can also help you learn to react appropriately to the comments and reactions of others and to focus more on what matters to you.

Meditation is my go-to confidence booster. I love to relax into a dreamy state, connect with my inner / higher self, and just chill - I always have so much energy and happy confidence afterwards.
Practising mindfulness helps to calm your nerves, approach that person to strike up that convo, and change the self talk to more encouraging words - plants incredibly fruitful seeds of confidence that you’ll find will just grow and grow.

People will begin reinforcing everything you put your mind to instead of talking you down from the idea or plan.

Each win will only boost your mindset - to give you more confidence to conquer more challenges and really start to make a difference in your life and those around you

4. Let's Recap

Confidence is the building block for wholistically trusting yourself again as a survivor of DV.

Once you have worked on your confidence levels enough, you will get to a stage where you know that your decisions are sound, your mind is good, you trust your judgement because you now think more clearly and without as much anxiety

5. Listeners Feedback

We have had so many lovely comments and words of encouragement on our socials. So, I wanted to shout out to those who have taken the time to cheer us on.

Sharon on Facebook wrote: "You are an inspiration to every DV woman out there. You make everyone feel they can do anything because you, yourself, have achieved sooo much👏🏻💖 "
Thank you so much for those inspiring words. It makes my heart sing to know that people feel like they can do anything they put their mind to, even leaving a DV situation. So beautiful thank you so much for that!
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Check out the links on our podcast page at www.missionbeautifulaustralia.org/episode2

The finale: last tidbits on next week

Next episode, we'll continue to help you understand the joys of being imperfect by helping you nail down the ways you can start to learn how to accept yourself as you are!

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